If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
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When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.