Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
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Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Who’s your best friend?
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Good morning, Twitter x
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
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