Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
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Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
She puts the hot in psychotic
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this