Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
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I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
How your email finds me
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.