Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
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“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes