Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
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Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
*struts into the new year
~ trips