Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
You Might Also Like
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
his wife is probably gonna see that
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.