oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
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[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park