Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
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Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Free him
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.