@StellaRtwot: Sometimes the last thing people hear before they're murdered is the sound of their pen that they won't stop clicking.
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@NOT_UmaThurman: [Jesus on a blind date] Christians: "Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture"
@Seamus_the_Bold: I don't think it's rude to ask someone in an online dating site to send a picture posing with a copy of today's newspaper.
@michaeldyllan: Can't believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
@DomesticGoddss: Me: What's the suite number on that address? 8: It just says "Hashtag 301." Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.