Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
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You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
We avoided this particular disaster
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?