@StellaRtwot: Sometimes the last thing people hear before they're murdered is the sound of their pen that they won't stop clicking.
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@shopkins776: If there's a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
@Donna_McCoy: Heading to the dentist. I hope they've all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
@JosesLovesYou: Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
@MattOswaltVA: saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ