sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
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An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes