Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
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Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
I’m giving up for Lent.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.