Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
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You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
🏙👨🏼
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*