@realHamOnWry: Sometimes Victoria's Secret is Victor's secret on weekends.
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@pharmasean: [At maternity ward] Me: is this where babies are delivered Nurse: Yes Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
@DrDogMD: PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc DR DOG: I've got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
@: I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like--it was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
@themiltron: [God creating beards] ADAM: God, I don’t like my face. GOD: Tell ya what, buddy: I’ll cover it in pubes. ADAM: What? That’s not— GOD: Done.