@realHamOnWry: Sometimes Victoria's Secret is Victor's secret on weekends.
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@envydatropic: First date - I'll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge Tenth date - I'll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
@Book_Krazy: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I've had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
@SortaBad: Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for "located"
@WoodyLuvsCoffee: (Rushes to hospital) Dr: Your mother is extremely critical. Me: Don't overreact doctor, she's like that with everyone.