Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
You Might Also Like
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired