@crushingbort: sometimes when a man and a woman love each other very much they decide to bring a tiny shitting bald man screaming into the world
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@KenJennings: PERSONALITY TEST: When you read an obit where someone passes away "surrounded by family," do you picture murder, or suicide?
@midnightwhale: "OPEN THE DOOR IT'S THE POLICE" who is it? "POLICE" what is a police *cops start whispering* "how does he not know what a police is"
@Kyle_Lippert: Just saw a dude catcall a woman with "Nice heels, girl" and his friend slapped him and said "Those are knock offs, bro"
@Tommytoughstuff: [Hardware store] ME: I'll take one of those giant forks. WORKER: That's a rake. ME: I'm gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.