Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
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Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
From my Mom
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
I think this cat is broken
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here