governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
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“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
I didn’t realize that was an option
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]