@fuzzlime: sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it's really over
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@SondraDeeMe: ME: All my life I've been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don't sleep around! JUDGE: We have the murder weapon. ME: Again, with the judging.
@realHamOnWry: My nephew asked, "What's the secret to a long life?" I said, "Never order vegetarian in Texas"
@OtherDanOBrien: *hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth* *twists it around with her tongue* *pulls it out* *it spells "I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND"*