@fuzzlime: sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it's really over
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@SteveKoehler22: For fun, the next time you have an attractive waitress- Order a "quickie" then act surprised when she tells you it's pronounced "quiche"
@AmishPornStar1: Interviewer: Why should we hire you? Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
@KyleMcDowell86: My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.