@fuzzlime: sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it's really over
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@senorwinces: Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
@robdelaney: When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
@juliussharpe: That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.