@fuzzlime: sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it's really over
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@underchilde: Sorry I totaled your car. I saw your kid made the honor roll, so I let go of the wheel to applaud.
@aveuaskew: You'd think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car ... But I won't.
@geowizzacist: 3 (calls out): daddy I'm cleaning the floor with a mob. Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that's a mob
@JoParkerBear: It's always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don't have a soul.