Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
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Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Oh boy, $150,000!
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.