@Jack_Wagon1: Sometimes when I get a retweet... I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
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@moxieblogger: If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don't have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet Right next to the beer fridge
@FunkyFresh_79: Operator: 911 what's your emergency? Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I'M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
@robdelaney: A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.