Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
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[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave