Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
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The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Who called it baking and not making love
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
This cat wants you to take your pills
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.