@bananagrvyrd: Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
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@Crunk_Jews: [blind date] Her: I was so scared you'd be a weirdo Me [revving chainsaw]: I CANT HEAR YOU
@FunnyMojoJojo: I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek...
@kumailn: When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
@annaetuck: Congratulations, everyone who saw me and my kids at the mall today. That's the cheapest birth control you will ever have.