Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
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Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Truth
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.