Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
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Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..