@wickedimproper: Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
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@dafloydsta: ME: I assume you don't want your dog to see this? *slides over pic of him with another dog* JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
@GABBYdaAngSaya: Her: I'm leaving you Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns? Her: Yah Me: But Aenid you
@Jmboyd58: *Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses* From the back: Actually I'm gluten free now. Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
@jimelliott5000: Hey everyone, my mom's following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks