@wickedimproper: Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
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@KevinFarzad: Your British accent is so attractive! If we had kids would they have British accents? We should do a scientific test & find out. For science
@better_off_dad: Me: Alexa, are you listening even when I don't say 'Alexa'? Alexa: No, I only listen when you say 'Alexa'. M: Thanks A: Welcome M: Hey!
@ArfMeasures: WIFE: Don't tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART