@wickedimproper: Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
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@david8hughes: [interrogation] Cop: what were you doing last nite? Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert Cop: louder for the tape please Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
@AGreaterMonster: So the Macarena turns out to be about a girl double-teaming her boyfriend's friends. Now we know the lyrics were crowd-sourced from Twitter.
@mattr_in_nc: Contrary to popular belief, tigers do not holler if you catch them by the toe. Also, could someone call an ambulance?
@mrtruthandsoul: My daughter wants a pony and my wife wants a new dishwasher, so I'm compromising and buying them a goat.