@wickedimproper: Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
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@FatherWithTwins: I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
@iwearaonesie: me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, "Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish"? wife: Go to sleep
@panmidwest: mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water 10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*