Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
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My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I鈥檓 intrigued
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can鈥檛 C in the dark.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She鈥檚 ready.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Autoimmune disease means you鈥檙e invincible to dying in a car accident.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
馃幍 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they鈥檒l tell you their whole life story.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello