Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
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30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂