Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
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Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.