@eTHEgoddess: Sometimes, when I'm bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
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@BlindChow: [crime scene] ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself? DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side *rookie cop vomits*
@AKATriple: To the first two people who thought Superman was a bird or plane... why the hell were you so excited?
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Me: Can't wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children. Coworker: I love Halloween. Me: I meant after work today.