Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
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*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*