@krisv_723: Sometimes when I'm driving I'm overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I'm Kris & I'll be your Uber driver.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@DanMentos: [guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine] "Who's president?" Barack Obama "Braco? Sounds Mexican" Nope "Whew" You might want to sit down
@ericONEderful: A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it's sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can't really touch anything.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: Boss: I need you to work late. Me: [sprays her with Pepsi] B: You're fired. Me: So I don't have to work late? B: No. Me: [winks at camera]
@KyleMcDowell86: "Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha" [i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] "Actually it's lasagna"