Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
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[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Meme Monday.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby