Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
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just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.