Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
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Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.