Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
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I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
three things we don’t talk about
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Risking my life for fun.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.