Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
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‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?