Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
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person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time