Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
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If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.