@emmatheist: Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
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@TeaAndCopy: ME: I'll see you in a month WIFE: Don't forget to write ME: It's highly unlikely I'd forget such a basic skill, Sharon
@Marcmywords2: Tequila doesn't make me drunk and disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz Police Reports are all written by cops.
@TheToddWilliams: STICK BUG WIFE: We can't seem to get pregnant DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests… STICK BUG WIFE: …and? DOC: Your husband's an actual stick
@KevinBuffalo: I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese's pieces