@emmatheist: Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
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@shadygeekdad: Guys, when a woman is mad just tell her she's overreacting. She'll realize you're right and calm right down.
@FrogAvalanche: [two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain] "Hi." "Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?" "Yes." "U still owe me $20."
@215potter: My neighbor's facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
@mjkspeaks: [on phone with attorney] HIM: you're being charged for murder. ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex