@emmatheist: Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
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@Sean_Burgundy_: Most women love it when you play with their hair in public Their husbands not so much
@TwoSapphiresBlu: "May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind." -Sir Smirnoff
@XplodingUnicorn: My 4-year-old sang in church for the first time. So what if it was the wrong song? There's never a bad time for "We Will Rock You."
@Home_Halfway: An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.