Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
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all i want is to be as happy as this potato
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*