Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
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*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
greetings!
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.