Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
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Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”