@FeelingMervis: Sometimes when my gf is asleep, I like to sneak into the living room, put on her dress, and pretend I wear the pants in this relationship.
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@smithsara79: Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight? Friend: Didn't you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week? Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
@SirEviscerate: My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she's a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
@enclaire: Bored, so I'm going to find a kid that looks like me and tell her I'm her from the future.