An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
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One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.