Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
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Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.