Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
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Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.