Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
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See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
We have a winner.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water