@MarcusTheToken: Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
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@ElizaBayne: Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it'll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
@Fred_Delicious: "Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?" "you mean cheese?" [waiter struggling to keep bowl covered] "that does make more sense actually"
@Shanehasabeard: There's a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L's