Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
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Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
some things should go without saying
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite