I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
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this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”