When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
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Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I’m having an out of money experience.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house