Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
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[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??