@SonofConway: Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
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@dril: THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset. ME: I agree
@PJTLynch: Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency? Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so... CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
@mjkspeaks: [at airport] TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search. ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning