@SonofConway: Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
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@simoncholland: [at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy] *raises hand* What if I draw a peanut on her napkin? Wife: Please go wait in the car
@KKAlThani: Autocorrect just changed "what are your plans" to "plants". Yes autocorrect, I'm curious if they're growing roses or sunflowers?
@Roweboat13G: Some days you're the Titanic, some days you're the iceberg and some days you're that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.