@SonofConway: Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
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@jergarl: My stages of awkward: Sober me: I don't know what to do with my hands Drunk me: I don't know what to do with my face High me: What face?
@living_marble: MEN: we're gonna stop flirting at work and giving unasked-for hugs WOMEN: great MEN: wait, no, you don't understand, those were threats
@KalvinMacleod: [lips on a snake] WIFE: what are you doing? ME: getting rid of the poison WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite SNAKE: leave him alone
@vineyille: [Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot