Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
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I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean