@SonofConway: Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
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@krakkenlackin: "You are what you eat" I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
@mortimermaiden: *stares lovingly at photo of wife and child* *bravely runs into a burning house* "It's empty!" some yell "That was a stock photo" others say
@WheelTod: Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said "Care to make this interesting?" And I said "Sure. For years I've been secretly in love with you"