The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
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What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
I need this for my side hustle.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.