Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
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I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Flock of bats
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.